


I Survived But I Paid For It

by thesweetpianowritingdownmylife



Series: Trans Alex AU [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Consensual Infidelity, F/M, Hamilton Kink Meme, Hurt No Comfort, Misgendering, Mpreg, Trans Aaron Burr, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Trans Character, Trans Eliza Schuyler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-30 13:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6425992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesweetpianowritingdownmylife/pseuds/thesweetpianowritingdownmylife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>When Alexander aimed at the sky he may have been the first one to die but I'm the one who paid for it...</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I survived but I paid for it.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>What did Burr really lose when she shot Alexander Hamilton?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Brief reminder! Alex is a trans man who married trans woman Eliza and they have an open marriage. Some of their friends know (all the ones that Ham has fucked, which is... a lot of them). Phillip was Laurens' son.
> 
> Also! Burr is a trans woman, but the only people who know are Alex and Theodosia, so she presents as masculine and lives her life as if she were a man.
> 
> This was a fill for the kink meme. Gwinny was supposed to be that sober friend who stops you from writing major character death AGAIN, but Gwinny is a shitty sober friend.
> 
> One more thing: I'm using the musical's timeline for this, because if I used the real one, this wouldn't add up.

Hamilton was clearing out his office to move uptown, and had hired a few strong men to carry out his belongings. Burr watched them from her door trying to hide a completely inappropriate smirk at the sheer volume of boxes, all surely filed with papers in Hamilton’s frenzied handwriting. The amused impulse died when he saw the man himself, so grief-stricken that he looked like he would collapse with the slightest breeze.

Burr invited him to step into her own office, made him sit down in her chair and poured him some scotch, chiding him a bit about overexerting himself when he clearly didn’t have the energy for it, but he didn’t seem to find it in himself to engage in their usual banter.  She sat next to him, resting a comforting hand on his nape and caressing his neck with her thumb.

His voice broke when he tried to thank her, and he started crying.

“I’m afraid I never understood your pain before, my dear Burr.” He finished his drink in one gulp. “It really is unimaginable.”

Burr nodded. She had lost two children in infancy, and the thought of losing her dear Theodosia almost robbed her of breath. It would be so much worse, to lose her after knowing her for years, raising her, seeing her become a woman.

“And you know what makes it worse?” Hamilton asked in between sobs. “He was… the only part of John that I had left. And… it felt like losing him all over again, on top of losing my first son.”

“Jesus.” Burr breathed, embracing him.

The mention of their old comrade made her feel cold. She suspected that Laurens hadn’t considered her to be more than an acquaintance, and she couldn’t call him a friend, either, but they had fought side to side, and in some memorable occasions –after John had plied her with plenty of wine– they had discussed their shared opinion on the abolition of slavery. He had been a good man, and moreover, Burr knew Alexander had loved him deeply.

“Alexander, please, you mustn’t think that. John and Phillip are still with you in spirit, watching over you from heaven.” Hamilton scoffed. “I am sure of it. And even if they weren’t, you have your memory of them, treasure that. Appreciate all the ways in which they improved your life, the ways they changed your view of the world. Nothing can take that away from you, not even death. They can still be with you in your thoughts, no matter how terrible their loss is.”

Hamilton hugged her back tightly. “Sometimes it frustrates me that you keep all of your opinions to yourself. You’ve made the world so much poorer for it.” Burr chuckled. “Thank you.” He pulled back so they could look each other in the eye. “You are one of the best women I know, Burr.”

Burr tried not to blush at the praise, suppressing the euphoria she felt every time someone referred to her as she truly was. “You’re just being nice because I broke out the good scotch for you.”

Suddenly Hamilton was kissing her. It was a terrible idea. He wasn’t in his right mind. But Burr kissed him back, willing to offer him this poor comfort at least. She didn’t stop him when he bit her neck and put a hand down her pants, when he started undressing her, nor when he straddled her and lowered himself on her cock. It had been so long, and Hamilton’s wife wouldn’t mind, and she had missed this so much…

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

“The people are asking to hear my voice.”

_It’s up to Hamilton_ , Burr thought. _This is a done deal!_

“For the country is facing a difficult choice.”

They’d had their disagreements in the past, but surely, this time, Hamilton wouldn’t fail her.

“And if you were to ask me who I promote…”

She got excited. She imagined their great country _ruled by a woman_. It would be…

“…Jefferson has my vote.”

_Jefferson?_ Hamilton hated Jefferson. Surely, this could not be happening, he couldn’t endorse his greatest enemy. Burr stood there, a ring in her ears deafening her.

She tuned back in just in time to hear Hamilton say: “Jefferson has beliefs. Burr has none.”

For a brief moment, she was blinded by rage. An urge to run up to Hamilton and tear him apart with her bare fists overwhelmed her. But she made that wave of anger subside as quickly as it had come. She had work to do; she must try to smooth things out with the new President after openly campaigning against him. She put on a deadly smile, and tried not to be a sore loser.

***

Once she got back to the safety of her house, Burr allowed herself to seethe properly. How could it be? Did Hamilton really despise her all that much? After all these years, he still didn’t… It was true they hadn’t always seen eye to eye, but choosing _motherfucking Jefferson_ over her was a pill too bitter to swallow. _That arrogant, immigrant, bastard, whore’s son_ … She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She had to get some perspective.

She couldn’t help but think back on the last time they had been together. Burr had regretted it often; she felt as if she had taken advantage of him. But if Hamilton had had some beef with her about it, chances were he would have sent her an endless letter on the subject, not go behind her back and dynamite her political career.

Speaking of, since going to punch his smug mug would be unbecoming of a Vice President, she would demand explanations via Hamilton’s favorite medium: a long, strong-worded letter. With a few strategic orthographic mistakes to really drive him up the wall. She would give him the ill-deserved benefit of the doubt, and allow him to explain his endorsement. She suspected that no explanation would placate her, but in face of his complete lack of manners, she would be civilized, damn it.

***

“Thirty years of disagreements”, he had written. Burr had been right; his answer had only served to incense her further. As if that was all there was to it, as if they had never agreed on anything, as if they had never been comrades, friends, and even lovers; as if Burr hadn’t confided in him and told him her biggest secret.

Maybe that was it. Hamilton had never hesitated to live his life being true to his own self, not as it had been given to him. Burr had always had the suspicion that Hamilton thought himself better than her because of that, and maybe this behavior confirmed it. Dear God, the man could be infuriating. If Burr had had a different temperament, she would have gone to the Hamiltons, and screamed at both of them about how lucky they were, how rare their opportunity to live their life as they wanted to was. However, there was no need to include poor innocent Eliza in their feud, and Burr was too mortally embarrassed by her jealousy to let it show. Some days she would have given anything to exchange her life with Eliza’s, even if it meant never even seeing the shadow of the room where it happens, even if it included being married to that fool named Alexander Hamilton.

Or perhaps Hamilton didn’t think a woman was suited for office, even such a woman as Burr. The man had never been as open-minded on the subject of the fairer sex as he had made it seem, incongruous as that was. Hadn’t he had friendships with remarkable women? His wife, his sister-in-law, Burr herself? He had even met her dear Theodosia. But his views had admittedly never been as advanced as Burr’s.

In the end, she decided that the reason didn’t matter. The man had offended her. There was only one way to solve this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for intentional misgendering!

She hadn’t meant to shoot, she hadn’t, the trigger had to have been tampered with, she would swear to it. She had been regretting the whole thing as she stepped away from Hamilton, that’s why she had yelled out “Wait!” but the weapon in her hand seemed to have a mind of its own.

She had struck him right between the ribs.

Van Ness held her back as she tried to reach Hamilton, who was lying on the ground. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to, I wasn’t going to, I didn’t…” She couldn’t stop muttering nonsense, feeling like a little girl, instead of the grown woman who had just shot a dear friend. “I must go to him.” She insisted to her second.

She paled as the doctor reached Hamilton’s side and opened his coat to reveal a pregnant belly, stained with blood. She hadn’t hit him there, but he could not deliver it now, it was much too small. If he died, the baby would die with him.

She was dumbstruck for a moment, then seized with unimaginable, hysterical anger. “WHY ON EARTH DID YOU AGREE TO DUEL WITH ME KNOWING YOU WERE WITH CHILD!?”

Hamilton coughed, half-laughing. There was blood in his lips. “I didn’t think you would actually shoot me, _sir_.” He spat.

Burr felt that last word like a blow. It drained her of her anger, her fear, her regret. She let herself be dragged back to the boat in a kind of fog. Nothing seemed real. She hid in a friend’s house to wait until the storm passed.

She drank, mostly, tried to numb herself. She could feel the guilt under her skin, poisoning her whole body. She wanted to scream but she didn’t dare; after all, she was hiding.  For brief moments she regretted leaving the gun on the dueling ground, for now she could see a good use for it… then she remembered her Theodosia, and forsake the idea. She couldn’t abandon her daughter, wasn’t she the reason Burr had…? She could barely finish the thought.

When the news came that Alexander had succumbed, she barely reacted to it. Her friend told her that Eliza Hamilton and Angelica Church were out for her blood. Burr thought she would let them have it.


	4. Chapter 4

In the end, it was months before she saw the widow of her friend. Burr had returned to her house, the legal part of the matter settled thanks to legislation loopholes, and she was retaking her duties as a lawyer, when one night, Eliza appeared at her door.

“Let her in.” Burr instructed her maid, who was fearful of the fire in the visitor’s eyes. “And leave us.”

The woman, clad in black from head to toe for her double mourning, didn’t sit when offered a chair, and refused any drink or food. She wasn’t there on a social call. However, Burr comforted herself in the thought that, if she had come here to murder her, she would have covered her tracks better.

“Do you have any excuse,” she started with steel in her tone, “to have deprived me of my husband so shortly after life took away my son?”

Burr looked at her for a long moment. “No.” She answered at last. “I am truly sorry for it, and would offer my apologies if you had any use for them.”

“I do not.”

“So I thought.” Burr nodded, she hadn’t expected her to accept her apologies. But she had to look away for the next part. “Nevertheless let me say that I cannot describe how sorrowful I am for the death of your unborn child. Had I known that–”

She was interrupted by Eliza’s dry laugh.

“You don’t know, do you?” Her face showed a manic amusement, cruel and almost deranged.

Burr furrowed his brow in confusion. “I beg your pardon?”

“You didn’t bother to make any calculations.” She had stopped laughing, but there was a malicious glint in her eye, a sort of calm glee. “You didn’t process it. Didn’t use any sort of logic.” She scoffed. “My, am I glad my husband didn’t endorse you, for you would have made a very poor president with this shortsightedness.”

“I think I don’t understand…” Burr tried to cut in, but was interrupted again.

“Do you think I had any will to lie with my husband after the tragedy?” She accused, all traces of mirth gone. “Do you think me as insensitive as him?”

Burr felt a small dot of worry in her stomach start to grow into a heavy ball of lead. “What are you saying.” She asked, trying to control the tremble in her voice.

“It wasn’t my child.”

Burr had to sit down, her mind at war with what had been just said. It was too big, too horrible to comprehend. When she had shot Hamilton, she had also been shooting…

“You know, Angelica wanted to challenge you to a duel.” Eliza continued, looking down on her with merciless eyes. “She called for your death. She wanted you to suffer like my Alexander did. But I think it’s better if you suffer like I do, keep on living without him. And with your regrets.”

She didn’t wait for an answer, just turned around and let herself out of the house.

Burr stayed in that chair for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to whoever prompted this at the kink meme! One day I'll stop writing angst and character death, but today is not that day.


End file.
